change in plans

talks of the future
how it would be
continue each day
what is seen
what could be said
how it will look
each add on makes the picture brighter
more vibrant
more detailed
never expected that the picture would lose tones

i admitted that the new plan
the new ideas of what is to come
sadden me a tad
but in truth it may be for the best
it may create a new and better road for the travel to proceed
3 was the magic number for me
3 could be our number too

i have to sleep and wrestle with the new plans
but i know that no matter what as long as we change the plans together it will all work out

second of infinity

wondering how the 2nd of infinity will be different from the 1st

house full

turkey day was not on the 4th thursday of november
it was the last sunday of the month
my mother
her mother
my wife
her co-workers
and our dog
it was the first holiday of our newly married life
i cleaned
i prepped
i cooked
i was the consummate hostess
i wanted to make this day one that would set the tone for what is to come
we made this holiday our own
it felt right
it felt good

said "I married the right one!"
said "I never knew that you were so domestic."
said "You did it!"

it made me feel good, great...
but i knew that i could
glad i could show them this is what i love to do and glad that they enjoyed themselves

happy thanksgiving to us

the next step in the journey

the discussion of what/when/who/how was had years ago
the journey started then stalled
but the notions were still there
now 3 years of our time later we begin

i surprised myself with the fearlessness that i approached it all
being hands on with the process that was not initially my intention
i see know that i am needed more than i first thought
that makes me feel
that makes me feel
the word that i want is not anywhere in the mass lexicon of my brain
the feeling is new indescribable
maybe tomorrow i will know

i hope that my suggestions are taken
that a journal, blog, even a moment is started to map this transition
not for me, but for oneself and for our future child
to know from where you began and to see the authenticity with which you haven chosen to live your life
with or without the support of the general assembly

i am proud of you and i want our tribe to know of your bravery

today is day one of the first of many firsts

i am excited

my mother

born 55 years ago today
what a perfect day that was
she is one of the most amazing women i know
she has taught me more abut life than my 30 years could

i am one of the luckiest young ladies in the world to have been given this woman for a mother
she has seen me through my darkest times
she has applauded louder than anyone else
traveled far to see my work

if only i could be half of the woman, mother, wife she has turned out to be i could die happy

i love her
happy birthday

you would think that the second time around wouldn't hurt so bad
my poor baby boy lost his fight with who knows what in his chest

he is now with his sister

they are playing
running
basking in the sun

my heart is sad
my heart is joyful

i love them both

rest in peace...

my sweet yoddahboy
my beautiful tinkerbelle

...

in the journey that is mine alone to experience
i wonder if i am living up to all that i am
there are certain truths that i know of myself
and these truths are both in the red and in the black
these truths run through my veins and beat with every thump of my heart
i sometimes wish that i could change a few
but would the change effect the whole
are they mutually exclusive
will shifting and tweaking lead to totally destruction
dramatic?
a bit
but a fear none the less

it's as if this shift in my environment has caused a fissure to be revealed
and like the movement of the tectonic plates earthquake and after shocks are inevitable

how best to repair
mend
reconnect the two sides of the path
what will not only solve the evident but will complete suture the wound

these are the heavy weights that float thru my mind
these are the ideas that have me stare and look beyond the horizon
what is for me?
what am i not seeing?
what is it that i should or should not?
and why isn't this enough?

a sense of what now surrounds me
where to next
who will i become
how

these questions must be answered
these equations must have solutions

as always tine will be the factor that reveals what it wants when it wants and how it wants
i can only sit wait and ponder
continue to swim in this life
continue to love hard
continue to reach ahead
continue to be

new life

it has been 1 week and 4 days since i moved from the nyc to my new home down south
many wonder why i moved
well there were/are a myriad
but the most important was love
and not the i think i'm in love and i hope it all works out kind
the i'm going to be with you forever b/c you will be my permanent +1
it has been an adjustment
the hours the +1 works are sporadic and long
12hour shifts 2 and 3 day stints at a time
causing the days off to be filled with sleep, food and more sleep
i never knew that i would enjoy taking care of a home
but these past days made me realize that i could be a stay at home
at least until the children(no had yet) go to school

i had a career and loved it
now i see this as a new chapter in my life
a chapter that i want to record

i've had time to shop for cards and to send them off to loved ones
i have become, or should i say am trying to become more thoughtful and appreciative of the people around me, my family and friends that is

we shall see what the next days, weeks and months bring
i hope a greater sense of self and understanding of my world as it is

growing up

one day old after turning 30
in my dad's world i am -10
he thinks that life starts at 40 which would be 0
i love that i have finally made it on the list
i feel like my life is just starting
a move in 17 days
a wedding in 197 days
kids in ??? days

i am super excited
suuuuuuper super excited

tonight begins the first of 6-8 sessions in pre-marriage counseling
first question on the board "What is Marriage?"

can't wait to see how this all goes...

so all things must change this i know
but to have the last 3 days for the last time is scary
i am now alone
no +1
no mama
no tinkerbelle
no yoddah
my house is now quiet
only the sounds of the boob tube and my space heater are heard.

in the cab on the way to the airport
the love of my life sitting to my right
my baby boy, in his new carrier on my lap, meowing just because
the new road, "less traveled", is an understatment
soon all of the rest of my worldly possessions will be packed, wrapped and driven 500+ miles
we will be on our own
on our own
miles away from family
friends
the life we knew

i am excited
scared
nervous
worried
but above all i am complete sure that this is exactly what, where, i need, want to be

this planning is kicking into high gear
7 months and counting
2 best girl's dresses down
1 to go
now onto suits...
the next big meeting feb 18-20
the first round of pre-marriage counseling
never thought about it
but am so excited to begin
must do my homework before day 1
then march 6
time for a tasting
choices choices choices
an evening of fun and possibilities

need to do:
invites
dance shoes
playlist
move

as started to begin again with this type to world
i was laid on my back with the news that my time at the hall was over
it has taken 7 days to decompress
and finally am over it

it would seem that time does heal all wounds
when the truth is revealed to you
not 2 months after i thought my life had ended i was reborn
did not know that a casual meeting would lead to the person with whom i would spend the rest of my life.

the clarity that comes with truly finding the one is astounding.
the air is cleaner, the water crisper, the food more, and more

the person who thought that all was lost
was a girl who was not being honest with herself.
a girl who let another dictate what where and when.
that girl was sacred to say what she wanted
how she wanted it
and why she wouldn't take no for an answer.
she was a girl whose mother didn't know who she was anymore.
she was a girl i didn't know anymore.
that girl got her life back.
she became real with herself
she became real.
she became less afraid of what was
what could
what should
and what is.
she let it all go
she let life in
she let life in, all the way in.

from that inhalation,
from the deepest breathe she'd ever taken
she was able let love back in.

and to that end she is living happily ever after.

*it feels good to be back.