as a woman why am i so nuerotic?

is the space between getting deeper...
the excitement is fading in your voice...
has the boredom set in...

i know sometimes is seems like i have not been listing to you but it's so not true

i have a tendency to speak before thinking, especially when i'm excited. i want to know and not think, so that i can keep planning the great things that i have in store. so it seems that i have never been listening at all to what you've said.. why can't i just get it together.

why can't i...

i just...

i so want to call you but i am afraid that it will seem to forward, that i am pushing too hard, that i want to much...i am caught between a rock and a brick wall...i feel like i have step into something that is not going to be.

i just want to hold you, to be held.

i just want to see you, to look into your eyes and see you.

i just want to be near you, close to you.

i feel a nearness that is yet to be explained. maybe it's the sexual freedom that i have with you. the ability to explpore, the confortablness is expressign what i want, what i need, what new things i want to try.

for i have only once before felt such liberation. and now that i am older i have an apprication for that

i am willing
i am ready
i am

i am a big fat woman who has just eaten the most perfect, satisfying, delectable meal. but alas i walk up to the buffet to take another look.

why? you my ask...b/c food is an addiction...i want the perfect meal...i've had the perfect meal and yet i must look. not to pick up another piece of deliciuos pie, or a ripe plump berry, but to peruse the options. why? you ask again, b/c i am an addict.

just b/c one looks does not mean one is sampling the wares.

meaningless browsing, what's so wrong.

silence it what i am getting more than i think i deserve. maybe it's what i get, but i have done nothing to warrent this.

the physical pain that is associated with this treatment is unbearable.

one may think it's stupid to invest so much, in so little time, but one must take that chance.

can one invest all there emotion into another and still observe the world that is around her?

can one...

so you agree..out we must get...
but staying in is so much fun
i want you to have me anyway you want
i feel the deepest connection with you
having crossed a bridge not even in view...
more important than the first time ever...
more special than her number one
events are the the most unforgetable when
the planets aline, when mars in retrograde
changes the ebb and flow of the tide...
making the crash fo the waves full of
passionate lust, yearning to reach the shore
to push the grains of sand upthe beach
then take them greedily back into itself...
the constant motions creates a ripple of sand
wanting to be taken, asking to venture into
the wide unknown...the ocean ablidges...
grain after grain is swept away to a new
adventure...it was the whisper of the
foaming waves that entice those pebbles
to come away with them
the low voice that everything would be oaky...
the could return all they had to do is say the word...
that small nugget of truth set it all right
made the leap look not so far...
the fall only a step away...
the comfort, the warmth, the trust, the
love all felt in small whispered words.

i am smitten i am full of feeling yet to be explained and that i have no fear of facing. i have opened myself to new experiences that i swore would never be and i am now consummed.

have you ever done something unexpected, pleasureable yet unexpected and the thoughts that run through your mind are so vivid, so real that you find it hard to concintrate on anything else?

i am in a state of foggy mist. my body is remebering the way it felt when my mister touched me, when dadt whispered in my ear and told me that everything will be alright. that i was in control that it was all for me. i think about the morning we shared and i want to weep. i was on the verge of tears as orgasm after orgasm shook my body to its core. i was full, i was fufilled.

i find this blog thing a great outlet for my thoughts and ramblings, but even in typing this my fingers are tingling with memories, lust, my pussy is wet with excitement, yearnig, waiting for more.

so let's juat say that i am no lonegr a virgin. and that is best news that could ever have.

i am soooooooooo happy, my dadt is back in the good ol u s of a. soon dadt will be here with me, lovin me, kissin me, huggin me. yay! i can't wait.

well i hope that you all have been enlightened by the previous post...hopefully you have tried to become less judgemental and more tolerant. okay that's enough of my soap box ... back to my mister, oh that's dadt.

there are many nick names, dadt, my mister, mouse, all interchangable. but for my personal use only is, "my mister" b/c that's who dadt is to me.

when we last left off, we were dicussing dadt, and what it means to be 'butch'. well i figure today is d-day, you have two options you can read the below, which is easier, and quick, or you can mossey on over to this site http://www.butch-ftm.com/index.html and explore.

Note: these are the thoughts of one butch, but there are some similarities in the discription that are true of othr butches as well. i think that there is a lot of misunderstanding when it comes to this subset of homosexuality. we see femme women as the only acceptable way to be a lesbian, or gay for that matter. we can accept an andro looking lady b/c there could be times that ahe may dress up and look more womanly. but we as a society have issuses with those females who don't embody the feminine side, or even acknowledge it. why? is there only one way to be a lesbian? i think not.

the l-word, has created a myth that femmes only date other femmes, or the will only deviate to those like shane, andro but still make-up wearing, pretty. i am not blaming all of problems on the show, but i do think that the image they portray is one of more male fantasy, and what 'straight society' can accept, if they had to.

a question that i am asked everytime i say that i do not date femme women, is 'why would want to date a woman that looks like a man? why not just date a man?'

answer: i don't like men, i have no sexual attraction to them. i am turned on by handsome women, by strong protective types. i am a girrl, a femme, i want to be in a way taken care of. not in that june cleaver way, but in the 'open doors for me', 'pull out my chair', open the car door'. now these are all things that i can do for myself, but t is appriciated when it can be done for me. but the top, number one uno must happen from my butch, 'walk on the street side' protect me from danger.

some of you reading will think that i sound like a flake, or that i am high maintenance, but i am not, there are just things that i want done for me, that i see as how you treat a lady. i am a big fan of chivalry. i in turn will treat my mate like a king. i guess i am old fashioned in that i am a hopeless romantic.

i am an quote unqoute 'an independent woman' with a twist, i.e. i have a out of the house job, i am not, nor will ever be, one of those kept women. i believe in an equal partnership. okay i'm done now, i hope that my convaluted, back and forth makes sense if not i guess it just wasn't meant to.

so enjoy the reading, i hope that it opens your mind to another point of view, or at least allows you to see that there are not only t.v. type lesbians, we are a multi-faceted, as uniquire as snowflakes, inside and out.

My Self
©1997 by L.R. Vincent

WHO AM I? WHAT AM I?
This is the overwhelming question I live with everyday. I'm asked about it constantly, everytime I look into the eyes of someone who doesn't know me or understand me. I am by my own definition what is known as Butch. I'm an enigma to the average straight person and even to most of my lesbian sisters and gay brothers. The discussion below is not intended to represent all butches, but reflects my personal beliefs. I have felt the need in the last year of my life to express myself more openly and to question my existence and to define myself more completely. If you are shocked or offended by the material presented, please do not read this. I however do not apologize for the contents, because to do so would invalidate my own existence.

WHAT IS A BUTCH?
To my mind, a butch is a male energy and force that's trapped in a woman's body. Born as a biological female and yet having the instincts, thoughts, desires, needs of a male. I don't think of myself as female. I have learned over the years to accept the biological functions of being female, but I put very little energy into them. When I look in the mirror at my biological form, I am severely removed from it. It's as though I never see myself in the mirror. I'm always looking at someone else. My entire being and psyche are male. I relate to men and think of myself as male. I aspire to be the best man I can be.

WHY AM I BUTCH?
Of course, the next obvious question is why? I was born this way. I have never in all my years, even as a child, felt like a woman. I have acted like one, tried to fit in, disguised myself as a woman, but have never, ever felt like one. Even my mother tells the interesting story of how she knew I should have been a boy, but she wanted a girl first, so she somehow changed me. I think sometimes that she blames herself for my being butch, but I don't blame her. I have no way of judging if I'd feel better as a man or as woman, because I've always been a butch. So I accept what I am and try to find ways to live within society that honor myself and do not threaten or intimidate the average person. It is not my goal to shock or scare people or to force myself upon them. I try to be a human being first and accept others as I would have them accept me.

WHY NOT HAVE A SEX CHANGE?
This is a good and valid question and one that I do and have asked myself. For me I think the current answer is that I'm not in a place in my life that it would make sense. But there's more to it than that as well. The biggest reason being that the surgery is not acceptable to me personally. But more than that, I enjoy being butch.

As a butch, I'm in the unique position of being male without automatically being associated or stereotyped as a male. Now this might sound really odd, but it's actually fairly logical given the social options that I have. If I were to have a sex change and enter "normal" straight society, I would then be lumped into the pack with no particular identity. I have observed and listened to enough straight women talk about straight men over the years that I really don't want to be thought of in that manner(ie men are assholes, etc...). I would also find myself in a male arena where women were thought of as objects and less than what they are. I would find relating to women in this manner appalling and disgusting and I would therefore be outcast by my peers.

HOW DO I THINK OF WOMEN?
Another very good question. Women to me are the food of my soul. They are my reason for being. I love to watch them, listen to them, hold them, touch them, smell them, taste them. They complete me in ways I can't describe, but can only feel and experience. They are the femme, my counterpart in this dance of the butch. Without them, I do not exist. The true femme is something more than an average straight woman or lesbian. She understands the butch. She acknowledges, strengthens, upholds and comforts the butch. The butch must be rock-hard, stone to survive in the outside world and the femme is the only comfort a butch is allowed. To be in the presence of a femme is to feel everything that you are all at once...strong, protecting, weak, vulnerable. A major aspect of the butch/femme relationship is chivalry, that ancient code of the knight and the lady. Always the knight must rescue her and protect her honor, while the lady in turn waits patiently for the knight to return to the castle having rid the world of one more dragon. This is not a world of feminism and women's rights, although butches have far more respect for their femmes than most average men. The butch still likes the chauvinistic aspects of the "old days" in so far as being waited on and taken care of, but also has the responsibility of providing for and waiting on the femme.

HOW DO I THINK OF SEX?
Sex? Doesn't exist. A butch, always, without exception, makes love to a femme. The manner of this takes many forms, but it is never devoid of emotion, never purely physical. It can't happen that way. Butches worship femmes, in a spiritual joining. The act of making love to a femme, for a butch is the affirmation and completion of who we are. It is when the femme gives the most to a butch and when the butch gives as much back. It is the defining act of being butch or femme.

The logistics of this joining take many forms as well. Some butches enjoy having their femme make love to them, while others known as stone cannot accept any attention to their female bodies without feeling emasculated. But regardless, the common factor among butches is that they make love to the femme as a male. Not your ordinary male mind you, but using some sort of prosthetic device to simulate the male organ is common. The hardware usually consists of some sort of harness and cock. The act must simulate natural straight coupling as much as possible. After that the simularities to straight sex end. The foreplay, loving, attention, depth and love between a butch and a femme is very intense. It transcends anything equated with sex. The butch has come to worship the femme in their personal temple. The femme has come to give herself once again, to renew the butch. On a personal level, I am a stonebutch. The satisfaction of making love for me is to fulfill my femme, which in turn fulfills me. To knowingly take her deeper and farther than any man would have the patience for.

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
I hope you've enjoyed or learned from this sharing of myself. My hope is that by sharing with others that I and they will not feel so alone. I am a butch, but more than that I am human and have the need to share in this life. If you have other questions that you'd like me to answer, please feel free to write me. If your searching as I am and do everyday keep trying. Don't quit. I did for a long time and it's not worth the sacrifice and the loss of yourself.

so today i introduce you all to subject matter that will be a reoccuring topic here on the blog, we refer to it as "don't ask, don't tell," or for short 'dadt' this is the person in my life with whom i am romatically invovled, and for whom i am in extreme like with.

dadt is, if you haven't already figured it out in the military. dadt will soon be home(yea) as dadt is away at war,(boo).

have you ever had such strong feelings that it scares you? have you ever wanted to scream out to the world that this is the person with whom you might be able to spend a significant amount of time with?

oh a note- the term 'extreme like'- it's that middle ground between just getting to know and in love. b/c in my world you can't say love and then take it back, so therefore i have doned the term 'extreme like.'b steal it. use it. be one with it, if you like.

so back to the topic at hand, my dadt, is the most handsome butch you will ever see. hot hot hot!!!!!! I would show you all a picture but that my friends is not allowed.

so you ask why am i so enamored with dadt? b/c dadt is the most handsome, chivalrious(typo), intellectual person i have met in a long, long time. some of you have no idea what a butch is, and i feel that it is my duty as a card carrying femme, to enlighten you. but that's another day.

day 2 of my new j.o.b. (i got a new job)

i am now a proud employee of radio city music hall, as prodution coordinator. yea me!!!!!! so i am an upper eshelon minion. i feel so proud. as of 11 am i am a legitiment memeber of the staff having recived my id card.

so you are saying to yourself, 'self if she is at aork how does she have time to post on her blog?' well to answer that most obvious question, it's my second day, what did you think that i would be swimming up to my eyeballs in work. no. it takes time to get one truly setteled in. so i post, to bide my time.


what else, what else...well i have yet to eat and i am begining to starve. so i think that i must be off to aquire some sustinance.

until later my fellow cyber junkies