found draft

there are times when i wonder if i will fall back into a career
it seems like i have no idea what i want in life,
and that is the scariest thing ever
i don't want to be a person who contributes nothing to the world
i know that i am intelligent
but what to do with it is the question
do i have the where with all to study online
do i want to get a secondary degree
do i want to have that bill
can i do it

i feel like a bump on a log
no self motivation
how do i find inspiration
how do i find a passion

hard day

for the past year we have been trying to have a minion.
we tried the at home, nice and relaxed track your cycle
and turned to medical help when that did not pan out.
2 cycles of iui and nothing.
all test show that i can get pregnant, that it's all good in there
but alas, no dice.

today i am extra sad about this. 
this morning peeing on a stick to tell me news i already knew, killed.

i must make the call to the dr. to say now verbalize the news  that the +1 got to read via text whilst on a trip in a foreign land.
now i have the hard line decision to go the hard core route of ivf
shots upon shots upon shots
this is going to suck!
but this is the road that i am now traveling.

getting pregnant is hard 
or so the +1 keeps telling me.

i wonder sometimes if the intense want/desire to be a mother is blocking the actuality of it happening.

no drinking, check.
prenatals, check.
balanced diet, check.
fuck tons of h2o, check.
8 hours of sleep, check.

frustration is mounting 
i try to keep the -10th in line
but it's o so hard.

today is going to be a rough one.

m e t a

conversation continued about changes you want to make

why am i so surprised?
i knew what was in the pack
what cards would come out of the deck

knew that completion was on the table
didn't know how soon

question fill me up;
how will this affect career,
relationships,
intimacy?
there are things that will no longer be possible?
is this okay?

for you seemingly so

haven't yet answered that for myself
selfish it would be to say, "no."

...

life is change
this i know to be true

...

my opinion was asked
i reserved to give a full answer
need time to truly think;
what it means to me?
what it means for you?
what it means for us?

but in reality, in my heart, in my soul
i just want what is best for you
i want you to be complete
to be whole

no matter what, if you are not happy neither am i

having to embrace the we
us
together
knowing that this is what marriage is

...

will research.
will digest.
will in the end agree.

new life

it has been 1 week and 4 days since i moved from the nyc to my new home down south
i moved for many reasons
love
adventure

the next step in the loong life journey south east asian here i come maybe i will find my passion again figure out what i want to do with my life i think that i am going to try and blog everyday just write my thoughts, just whatever pops into this brain of mine i realize that i have to stay active in my own way in order to be the best not just for me but for my family i thought about grad school but alas i am an in the classroom kinda learner i wish that i could be a distance learner i would have degree after degree so in about six weeks i will be on a plane

...

a failure in leadership
a failure in commitment
a failure in human compassion
a failure in word
a failure in life

i am a woman of faith
faith in what is right
faith in what is true
faith in what one says

but now it seems like has gone

change in plans

talks of the future
how it would be
continue each day
what is seen
what could be said
how it will look
each add on makes the picture brighter
more vibrant
more detailed
never expected that the picture would lose tones

i admitted that the new plan
the new ideas of what is to come
sadden me a tad
but in truth it may be for the best
it may create a new and better road for the travel to proceed
3 was the magic number for me
3 could be our number too

i have to sleep and wrestle with the new plans
but i know that no matter what as long as we change the plans together it will all work out

second of infinity

wondering how the 2nd of infinity will be different from the 1st

house full

turkey day was not on the 4th thursday of november
it was the last sunday of the month
my mother
her mother
my wife
her co-workers
and our dog
it was the first holiday of our newly married life
i cleaned
i prepped
i cooked
i was the consummate hostess
i wanted to make this day one that would set the tone for what is to come
we made this holiday our own
it felt right
it felt good

said "I married the right one!"
said "I never knew that you were so domestic."
said "You did it!"

it made me feel good, great...
but i knew that i could
glad i could show them this is what i love to do and glad that they enjoyed themselves

happy thanksgiving to us

the next step in the journey

the discussion of what/when/who/how was had years ago
the journey started then stalled
but the notions were still there
now 3 years of our time later we begin

i surprised myself with the fearlessness that i approached it all
being hands on with the process that was not initially my intention
i see know that i am needed more than i first thought
that makes me feel
that makes me feel
the word that i want is not anywhere in the mass lexicon of my brain
the feeling is new indescribable
maybe tomorrow i will know

i hope that my suggestions are taken
that a journal, blog, even a moment is started to map this transition
not for me, but for oneself and for our future child
to know from where you began and to see the authenticity with which you haven chosen to live your life
with or without the support of the general assembly

i am proud of you and i want our tribe to know of your bravery

today is day one of the first of many firsts

i am excited