found draft

there are times when i wonder if i will fall back into a career
it seems like i have no idea what i want in life,
and that is the scariest thing ever
i don't want to be a person who contributes nothing to the world
i know that i am intelligent
but what to do with it is the question
do i have the where with all to study online
do i want to get a secondary degree
do i want to have that bill
can i do it

i feel like a bump on a log
no self motivation
how do i find inspiration
how do i find a passion

hard day

for the past year we have been trying to have a minion.
we tried the at home, nice and relaxed track your cycle
and turned to medical help when that did not pan out.
2 cycles of iui and nothing.
all test show that i can get pregnant, that it's all good in there
but alas, no dice.

today i am extra sad about this. 
this morning peeing on a stick to tell me news i already knew, killed.

i must make the call to the dr. to say now verbalize the news  that the +1 got to read via text whilst on a trip in a foreign land.
now i have the hard line decision to go the hard core route of ivf
shots upon shots upon shots
this is going to suck!
but this is the road that i am now traveling.

getting pregnant is hard 
or so the +1 keeps telling me.

i wonder sometimes if the intense want/desire to be a mother is blocking the actuality of it happening.

no drinking, check.
prenatals, check.
balanced diet, check.
fuck tons of h2o, check.
8 hours of sleep, check.

frustration is mounting 
i try to keep the -10th in line
but it's o so hard.

today is going to be a rough one.