moments set on the edge of a knife. balancing, trying not to slip and fall.

i don't understand why, what, how the blow up happened. the one that has left me alone for a while.

somehow my actions have been greatly miconstruded.

interesting things are happening
what am i to do, think

there are days when i feel strong and confident
others not a blip of my former swagger

what should one do in these type of situations?
i mean how does one puff back-up?

days spent thinking,
nights spent dreaming of what could be

i can only imagine what thoughts flow through your head without the direct knowledge

am i not enough have i lost my flavour,
is there now a need for another
my tits my ass not enough???

there are days that i think that i can only love you. and is that what i feel love???

i have no idea, is the fact that i can't go thru a day without thinking of you a sign???

i yearn to be with you but there are days that i feel that i can not be there by your side...i am soo falling for you but is it right that is the question??

what do i do??

we experienced the museum together and that was great. but i wonder if there are others on your mind??

maybe, maybe not??

who knows,

i miss the word does not express the true ling of my soul, without you i feel lost, your touch, smile, laugh, directness, i am lost i t seems without you.

branch out, that i what i need to do!!!

in a city with millions of people how can one feel so lonley?
i have seen five movies this week...by myself.
fun and enjoyable? yes.
would i have perfered company? yes.

i think that i lack the ability to create lasting friendships with folks. it's like i move to the beat of my own drum and the world is deaf. i know that there must a friend waiting in the wings. my bestest girl friend moved with her boifriend to portland, across the country, so far away. now i must do my own thing go out by my lonesome, which is fun but it's not the same.

it's raining today and i have to debate on if i am going out, alone. the answer of course will be yes, because spending another day in this house will drive me mad, bloody mad.


on a goood note i have found an american writer who speaks to my soul, James Baldwin. the way that he weaves a tale so flawlessly that i feel that i am there satnding on that corner, sitting on the couch, flying over the ocean, he has become next to ralph ellison my favorite author.

rambling done.

so today i was told that my look was "sexy geek" by my mister.

what do you say to that?

'thanks, honey."?

so it's been a while since i been here...i have rekindled my 'thing' with my mister. not that it was ever over but you know how love in nyc can be. work schedules, living distances, 2nd job schedules, it is all really hard. but it makes me smile to think that he missed me just as much as i missed him. i now know that he was staying away ti avoid the bloomation of something real...and for me that's a good sign as crazy as it sounds. but i don't think that i am really ready for the l-word anytime soon. i like to get together and have fun but love right now is not for me.

but i am ready to have fun and stay open to the possibilty.